How Do I Cope With My Feelings?
-
Created on Saturday, 04 August 2007 09:05
You might feel numb and shocked when you are told that you have cancer. You can feel swamped with many different emotions ranging from disbelief to anger. At first the news may be very hard to take in. It may all seem "unreal." All these feelings are normal and to be expected. It does not mean that you are not coping. Rather they are part of the process you must go through in coming to terms with your illness. Your family and friends may be feeling the same way and need time to get used to it.
Reactions differ from one person to another–there is no right or wrong way to feel.
Shock and disbelief
"I can’t believe it."
"It can’t be true."
Shock is often the first reaction when a diagnosis of cancer is made. Most people think, "It will never happen to me." It will take a while for the news to sink in. At this stage you may be getting a lot of information about your illness. You may ask the same questions over and over again or seem to accept the news calmly.
These are common reactions to a diagnosis of cancer. Because you don’t quite believe what is happening, you may not want to talk about your illness, especially to your close family and friends.
Fear and uncertainty
"Am I going to die?"
" Will I be in pain?"
For most people when they are told they have cancer the first question is " Am I going to die?" Cancer is a very scary word.
It brings to mind many stories – most of them untrue. In fact nowadays many cancers can be cured. When cure is not possible the cancer can be controlled for a number of years using modern treatments. There are new treatments being developed all the time.
Another common fear is that cancer is always painful. This is not true. Some cancers cause no physical pain at all. If you are in pain there are many drugs that can control it. Other methods of pain relief include radiotherapy and nerve blocks.
Being concerned about your future is a normal way to feel. It can be hard for your doctor to predict the outcome of your treatment. Not knowing can make you feel anxious. The more you find out about your illness and its treatment, the less anxious you will be.
The real facts about cancer and its treatment are not as frightening as you might imagine. Talk to your doctor about your concerns, he or she should be able to help you. Discuss what you have found out with your family and friends, as they are probably worried too.
Denial
"There is nothing really wrong with me."
"I haven’t got cancer."
Many people cope with their illness by not wanting to talk about it. If that is the way you feel then just say quite firmly to the people around you that you would prefer not to talk about your illness, at least for the time being.
Sometimes, however it’s the other way round. You may find it is your family and friends who are denying your illness. They appear to ignore the fact that you have cancer. They may play down your worries and symptoms and keep changing the subject. If this upsets or hurts you because you want them to support you, try telling them. Start perhaps by saying that you do know what is happening and it will help you if you can talk to them about your illness.
Anger
"Why me of all people?"
"And why right now?"
Anger can hide other feelings such as fear or sadness and you may vent your anger on those closest to you. You may also feel angry towards the doctors and nurses who are caring for you. If you have a religious belief you may feel angry with your God.
It is easy to see why you may be deeply upset by many aspects of your illness, and there is no need to feel guilty about your angry thoughts or irritable mood. Relatives and friends may not always be aware that your anger is really directed at your illness and not against them. If you can, it may be helpful to tell them this at a time when you are not feeling so angry, or if you would find that difficult perhaps you could show them this section of the booklet.
If you are finding it difficult to talk to your family, tell your nurse or doctor, he or she may be able to help you.
Blame and guilt
"If I hadn’t … this would never have happened."
Sometimes people blame themselves or others for their illness, or wonder why it should have happened to them. This may be because we often feel better if we know why something has happened. As doctors rarely know exactly what has caused cancer, there is no reason for you to blame yourself.
Resentment
"It’s all right for you, you haven’t got to put up with this."
Understandably, you may be feeling resentful and miserable because you have cancer while other people are well. Similar feelings of resentment may crop up from time to time during the course of your illness and treatment for a variety of reasons. Relatives too can sometimes resent the changes that the patient’s illness makes to their lives.
It is usually helpful to bring these feelings out into the open so that they can be aired and discussed. Bottling up resentment can make everyone feel angry and guilty.
Withdrawal and isolation
"Please leave me alone."
There may be times during your illness when you want to be left alone to sort out your thoughts and feelings. This can be hard for your family and friends who want to share this difficult time with you. Let your family know that whilst you do not feel like talking about your illness at the moment, you will talk to them about it when you are ready.
Sometimes depression can stop you wanting to talk. It may be an idea to discuss this with your G.P. who may prescribe a course of anti-depressant drugs. He or she may decide to refer you to a doctor who specialises in managing the emotional problems of cancer patients. It is common for patients with cancer to feel depressed, so there is no need to feel you are not coping if you ask for help.
There is a booklet available–Who can ever understand? If you would like a copy, in Ireland call the Cancer Helpline Freefone 1800 200 700.
